Chapter 24

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            After the dinner party we smoked marijuana.  Jeannette was against it but she changed her mind when I explained that we smoked it for insight and not pleasure, and that I hoped it might help us figure things out by giving us a different perspective on our problems.  She said that she had tried marijuana several times in the past but it had never done anything for her. 

            Candy switched on a little revolving lamp with a multicolored lamp shade made of odd shaped rectangles of colored glass, all framed in a mosaic of brass.  It was 7:30 and the sun had just disappeared over the mountains.  The lamp cast wavering, pale colors over the furniture and the walls.  Marlo pushed the two soft, beige-colored leather armchairs towards the matching couch so that they nearly touched the coffee table, which stood in front of the couch.  She brought four wineglasses from the kitchen and placed them on the coffee table, and Candy opened a bottle of red wine.

            The usual cool breeze from the Pacific Ocean had not moved inland and it was hot in the darkened room, even though all of the windows and doors were open.

            Candy said,  “You’re going to dig this music Jeannette.”   She picked out a record album from the forty or fifty long-playing albums that were leaning against the wall, on the floor next to the record player.  She was still wearing her maroon shorts.

            I took a little white matchbox from my shirt pocket and handed it to Jeannette.   “Did you hold the smoke in your lungs before exhaling, when you used to smoke marijuana?” 

            “Sure.  There was a lot of marijuana in Hollywood after the war.  It just never did anything for me.”

            “You’ve got to learn how to get high.  It isn’t simple, like alcohol.”  I put a generous pinch of the dry, strained, yellow powder into the water pipe.  “Give me a light.”

            She struck a match against the abrasive strip several times and startled backwards when it caught fire.

              I said,  “This is how I do it,” and took a long drag.  I held the smoke in my mouth with my cheeks puffed out.

            “Aren’t you going to inhale?”  She asked.

            Marlo came to my side and put her arm around my waist.  She said,  “You hold it in your mouth until the smoke cools down, and then you inhale it.  It’s easier on the lungs.”

            Jim Morrison’s voice came from Koss speakers mounted at the corners of the room near the ceiling.

 

            “Come on baby light my fire, try to set the night on fire, come on baby light my fire, try to set the night on figh uhhhhhh.”        

           

            Candy said,  “Cool, isn’t it?”

            “Yeah, cool,” Jeannette said, with an ironic smile that she let drop quickly.  I handed the pipe to her and she said,  “There’s no water in it.”  She moved the glass bowl back and forth close to the moving, multicolored glass lampshade.

            Candy said,  “Water filters out the THC.” 

            Jeannette took a long drag, held it in her mouth and handed it to Candy who had taken a position on the other side of me on the leather couch and placed her arm around my waist, just under Marlo’s arm.  Candy took a hit and passed it across to Marlo who disengaged herself so that she could wipe off the stem.  She took a deep hit, put the water pipe on the coffee table and moved to the leather chair across from us.  She closed her eyes, crossed her legs and placed her hands on her knees, palms up, with her index fingers touching her thumbs, forming two circles.

            Jeannette poured four glasses of wine, slowly and elegantly.  She twisted the bottle adroitly when she finished pouring each glass.  She sat down rather tensely in her chair and looked at Candy and me.  Then she reached for her glass.

            “Wait.”  I said.  “Alcohol is best after you get high.”

            She leaned back in her chair.  “I don’t feel anything.”

            Candy snuggled up to me.  She took the water pipe and a burst of fire illuminated her face and long neck.  She handed the pipe to her mother who took another long hit and tapped Marlo’s shoulder gently with the bowl. 

            “God mom.  You really drool don’t you?”  Marlo wiped the stem on the palm of her hand and then took another long drag.

            “That’s no way to talk to your mother.”  Candy said.

            Marlo pulled the smoke into her lungs and closed her eyes.  I massaged Candy’s shoulder gently.  “Take it easy sweet stuff.”

            Jeannette said,  “She’s been talking to me like that since she’s been about three.  I’m used to it.”

            Candy said,  “If you were my mother, I wouldn’t talk to you like that.”

            Jeannette said, softly,  “I am your mother.”

            I put my arm around Candy’s shoulder again and squeezed it.

Candy said, “Man, this stuff is really powerful.”  Her hair was up and her golden neck was exposed down to her tee shirt.  She became aware my gaze and her body stiffened.  I whispered into her ear, 

“Don’t worry sweetness.  Everything will work out.  Have faith.”  I nibbled her ear playfully.  She pushed me away gently.  I said,  “Let’s close our eyes and wait for the pictures to come.  She crossed her legs and assumed the full lotus position. 

Jeannette opened her eyes again.  I asked her,  “Do you feel it yet?”

            “No.”  She said, dryly.

            I extended the pipe towards her and she drew on the stem until the leaves and stems crackled.  She sucked the smoke into her lungs without letting it cool, and held it there for a long time.

            I felt the familiar heightened awareness steal over my body.  My muscles were tense and so I withdrew into the full lotus and began breathing very slowly and rhythmically.

            After the song ended, Candy got up and took the record off.  Jeannette said,  “Something’s happening.”

            I said,  “This stuff is really powerful.  Just stay relaxed.  That’s the essential thing.  Yoga is really great for that.” 

            Candy returned to the couch and resumed the full lotus position.  She and Marlo seemed like levitating angels and I suddenly imagined that Jeannette was Athena, the goddess of Wisdom.  “You look like Athena, all beautiful and wise.”

            “I’m all trembly and nervous, Odysseus and I’m of no use to you now.  In fact, I feel like I’m in a bad dream and can’t wake up.   Do you know how long it will last?” 

            She was trembling.  I got up from the couch and stretched my arms over my head and took a long, deep breath.  I extended my hands to her.  “Stand up.  She raised her eyebrows and rolled her eyes but didn’t stand up.  She looked down at the white wool rug for a few moments and very slowly her neck and body turned upwards, like a flower unfolding to the sun, until she was looking into my eyes.  Her expression was one of deep sadness, almost agony.  She took my hands, and I pulled her up.

            I said,  “No one has ever died from marijuana.”

            “I feel like I’m going to be the first.”

            “Press the palms of your hands against mine, like this.”  I held my palms out and she pressed against them.  I could feel her heartbeat in her palms.  “Move towards me very slowly.”

            Our bodies touched and I hugged her.  “I feel better,” She said.

            I said,  “Your body is still tense.  I can feel it.  I’m going to give you a massage.”

            “O.K.”

            She lay face down on the white rug and stretched her arms over her head voluptuously.

            She said,  “I’ve never felt so sensitized before.  I feel every muscle in my body and every fiber of every muscle seems to have a life of its own.”

            “With practice, you can feel your personality as a pattern of tensions that your muscles habitually fall into.  When the muscles relax, the ways of regulating feelings become relaxed too and the personality becomes enormously fluid.  Sometimes it causes anxiety if you don’t know how to regulate your breathing and stay centered.  But it can also bring extraordinary insight.”

            She stretched again, tensing all of her muscles for quite a few seconds, and then relaxed them.  She said,  “Your hands are like creators of feeling.  They have a fiery warmth I’ve never felt before.”

            Marlo came over and knelt down near me and whispered into my ear,  “Candy is shaking.”  I turned around.

            Jeannette said,  “When you take your hands away, there is a coldness.  An immense loneliness.”

            I got up.

            Jeannette said,  “Why did you stop?”

            I sat down next to Candy.  “Baby,” I whispered.  She opened her eyes.  I put my hand on her head and the shaking got more pronounced. 

            Jeannette sat up.  “Is it the marijuana?”

            Candy said, in a high pitched voice,  “No.  It goes away.  Don’t worry.”

            Marlo said, “She’s on a bummer.”

            I put my hand on her shoulder.

            Marlo said,  “I’ll get her out of it.  I used to get on bummers like that, where my whole body would shake.” 

Candy looked up at her, hopefully.

            Marlo asked,  “You shake all over and there’s no reason?  Like you’re just watching yourself shake and there’s nothing to be scared of?”

            Candy laughed.  “Yeah.  Sorta like that.  I’m scared of something but I don’t know what it is.”

            “Come on.”  She grabbed Candy’s hand and almost dragged her from the couch.  They moved lightly on their feet towards the kitchen door. 

I said, “Wait.  Where are you going?”

            “Out.”

            “When will you be back.”

            “When we get back.”

            They disappeared through the kitchen door.  We heard the backdoor bang shut, and the sound of feet on gravel.  We stood by the open window and looked out into the powder blue evening sky above the hills and watched their blonde heads disappear behind the barn.

            “I’m so scared.”  Jeannette said.

            I put my arm around her waist.  “Don’t be.”

            “The pictures.  They won’t go away.  They take over my mind and I can’t stop them.  When is it going to end?”

            “It lasts for about an hour, and then it is about half as strong for another hour after that, and then you don’t notice it much anymore.”

            “How long has it been already?”

            I looked at my watch.  “Fourteen ... almost fifteen minutes.”

            “God.  Two more hours.  I don’t know if I can take it.”

            “Forty five minutes, not two hours.  Believe me.”

            “I see your father in your face.  It’s like a hallucination.  When I close my eyes it’s worse.”

            “I know.”

            “Hold me.”

            She snuggled into my arms and I held her tightly.

            “Brad.  It’s funny.”

            “What.”

            She laughed, silently.

            “What?”

            I looked down to see her face contorted into a grimace of silent laughter. 

            I said, “It’s the marijuana.  It makes you laugh.”

            “Brad.”  She couldn’t make a sentence.  I pushed her away gently and looked down at her.  She slid down to the floor and her eyes were closed and her head was shaking back and forth.  “This is like...” She gathered herself together.  “ ... Like a bad novel.”

            I smiled wryly.  “You said that once before.  No one would believe any of this if I made it into a novel.  Luckily, the Novel is dead.”

            She began laughing again.  After more than a minute, she regained her composure.  “I’m sorry.  I don’t think I’ve laughed that hard in my life. My jaws hurt.  It’s incredible.”  I helped her to her feet.   She looked at me lasciviously.  “This stuff makes you crazy.”

            I said,  “Are you sorry that I made love to you?”

            A surprised and enchanted smile came across her face.  Her black eyebrows arched and she looked into a distant place, as if she were turning an idea over in her mind.

            She said,  “I made love to you,” and reached across and touched my belt buckle lightly with her finger.

            “Why?”

            Her face dropped.  “Because I’m not what you think I am.”  She looked up.  “Look Brad.  I know your mother has been a catastrophe for you and if you want my opinion, for the world too.   And I know you want to believe that I’m perfect but that doesn’t make me perfect.”  She turned her back to me.  “I’ve done horrible things in my life, things that I’ve tried to forget.”  She turned around.  “But can’t.”

            “You’re the most intelligent, loving woman I’ve ever met.”

            “Brad!  You’re 22 years old.  You don’t know anything, you haven’t been anywhere, you haven’t seen anything ...  I wonder if your father...” She let the sentence trail off and closed her eyes.  She put her hand on her forehead and shook her head back and forth, gently.  She opened her eyes and moved her face closer to mine.  “Maybe I made love to you just to see why they’re both so hopelessly in love with you.”  She moved away and then turned her back to me again.  “Maybe I don’t want to be your mother.”  She turned around and there was a remorseful look in her face.  “Maybe I’m talking nonsense.”

            “It’s the Acapulco Gold.”

             “I need a hug.”  We came together again into the safe, secret closeness that hadn't failed us.

            After a silence I said,  “I love Candy.”

            “I think I know that.”

            “She’s my sister.”

             “She’s not your sister.  You didn’t grow up with her and that’s all that counts.  Besides, no one knows except Dr. Orenstein and me.”  She said, suddenly,   “I can’t believe it.”

            “Can’t believe what?”

            “The clock.  It must have stopped.  It says sixteen minutes to eight.”

            Keeping my arms around her, I turned around to look at the clock.  I looked down at my watch.  “My watch says the same thing.”  I laughed.

            “Then they’ve only been gone four minutes?  I can’t believe that.  Four minutes!?  God.”  She looked into my eyes with anxiety.

            “Marijuana does that.  It makes time stand still.  Come on.  Let’s settle down on the couch and have a good trip.”           

            “Brad.”  She broke free.  “I’m not worthy of your love.”

            “Jeannette.”

            “Don’t you think I know you need me to be a good mother and not your lover?”  She hung her head in an exaggerated pose of guilt.  “If anyone’s guilty of incest, it’s me.  I should never have made love to you.”  She began crying softly.

            I put my hands on her shoulders and she let me lead her to the couch where we sat down. 

            She said, with tears on her cheeks,  “I should have chased you out of my apartment the day you showed up with Marlo that first time.  And never allowed you back.  Then none of this would have happened.”

            “Let’s stop talking.  We’re both so high we don’t know what we’re saying.” 

            She stayed on her side of the couch for awhile and then, unceremoniously, moved towards me.  I patted her head affectionately and raised my arm, and she slipped under it.  Within minutes, she was sleeping in my arms.  When she awoke, I said,  “We haven’t even given a thought to Candy and Marlo.”

            “I forgot all about them.  Listen.”

            We were very still.  A high-pitched voice came through the open window.  I said,  “That’s Marlo’s voice!”

            She sprang up and ran to the window and I followed behind her.  We leaned out the window to see Candy and Marlo riding bareback.  The horses were cantering gently, side by side, moving towards the far fence.  Their blond heads were down and forward, their hands gripped the manes firmly and their free arms circled the massive necks.

            “Brad!  Get her off that horse!  My daughter has never ridden a horse in her life.”

            “They’ve been riding together for weeks.”

            “Brad, go outside and tell them to stop.”  She started for the door.

            I grabbed her arm.  “Wait.”

            She looked at the clock.  “My God, it’s only nine minutes after eight.”  Her voice rose.  “We have another twenty minutes.”

            “I need to be alone with Candy tonight.  Take Marlo home with you tonight.”

            “Get my baby off that horse!”

            “Jeannette.”  I grabbed her shoulders and stood in front of her.  “Calm down.  Remember, you’re very high.  Please.”

            “I can’t stand this.”

            “I’m going to tell her tonight that she’s my sister.”

            She stared at me.  She shook her head from side to side.  She said,   “The horses.”

            I said,  “Candy loves those horses and they love her.  They’ve never thrown her and they won’t throw her sister.  Please.  Have faith.”

            We watched as they rode around the field gracefully.  I said, playfully,  “I’m going to throw you onto the ground and massage you into Nirvana.”

            “Oblivion will be enough,” she answered meekly and her body went limp.

            I massaged her until we felt the marijuana wearing off.  She was so relaxed that her body didn’t move when the door to the living room banged open.

            They walked over to us and stood there, looking down at us.  They were breathing heavily.

            Jeannette turned over onto her back.  “Did you enjoy your ride?”

            “It was heavenly.”  Marlo said.  “You should try it mom.”  She looked at Candy, who looked at the floor, self-consciously.

            I said,  “You’re not shaking.”

            Marlo looked down at the four untouched glasses of red wine on the coffee table and said,  “We didn’t drink our wine!”

            Jeannette said, “I guess we didn’t need to.”

            Marlo said,  “How was your trip?”

            “Brad’s massage made it heavenly.  I feel muscles I’ve never felt before.”  She got up.

            Marlo said,   “Mom, you have to ride with me.”

            Jeannette answered.  “I used to ride when I was a little girl.  Before your grandparents died.”

            “I know mom, I know!  You’ve only told me about 400 times!

            “I’m sorry.  I always forget that you know all my stories.”

            Candy indicated with her eyes that she wanted me to follow her into the kitchen.  We left the room and Jeannette and Marlo graciously pretended not to notice.

            In the kitchen, she whispered,  “I need to talk to you alone tonight Brad.  I have something very important to tell you.  I don’t want them here.”

            I said,  “They’ll understand.  Anyway, it’s your birthday.”