Chapter 21
“I
have developed a kind of hatred for the human race,” Brad said. He sat across from the 47-year-old blond woman
sitting at the little kitchen table sipping tea. Her son Bob was riding his motorcycle on the
streets of
Gloria looked across the table at Brad with wonderment. “You are so young but you talk with the voice of a fifty-year-old. You seem world weary.” She was a pretty woman and hardly showed her 47 years. She was tall, blond and willowy and she made love with an abandon that she had not done when she was Brad’s age. She was a full professor of psychology at UC Berkeley and she had sympathized with Brad’s plight from the beginning. Brad had allowed her to think he could be seduced but he kept his distance. As a psychologist, she was fascinated by the extent of his knowledge of women, which she referred to as his “maturity.” She told herself that she wanted to study him and that he would fit into her current book perfectly but in fact, she simply wanted to seduce him. Brad was fascinated with intelligent, freethinking women who were truly capable of love. It was one of his weaknesses that resulted from having a mother who was a Christian Fundamentalist. He found women like Gloria difficult to resist but he had finally learned how and there was little danger that she would succeed.
She had one child, Bob Young. She hadn’t wanted to marry the visiting professor who had fathered him and so Bob had her last name instead of his father’s. Just after the Second World War, she acted on her belief that a woman didn’t need a husband to have a child. He was a visiting professor of psychology and she had not seen him since those years just after the war. Her son Bob had never met his father and expressed no interest in him.
Brad had met Bob the second day he worked at the airport. Bob was 19. He was big and hardy and a little thicker boned than Brad but about an inch shorter. His hair was short, his clothes conventional and his outer demeanor almost a parody of normality. He seemed untouched by the “Cultural Revolution.” He had never played sports in high school and thought football was a waste of time. His mother had been so permissive that she encouraged him to smoke marijuana in his bedroom and even provided him with a supply. He bragged that he had once ridden with the Hell’s Angels but Brad was skeptical. He had a Harley Davidson chopper, which was the sole occupant of his mother’s garage. He said that it was stolen and all the extra parts were stolen too. When Brad asked him why he didn’t just buy the extra parts, Bob grinned and hit him on the top of his arm, near the shoulder. It was before Brad had learned to try to defend himself against the move and he had a sore arm for a couple of days. Even so, his arm was sore during most of the time they worked together at the airport.
The
sun streamed into the bright kitchen, through a climbing ivy that framed the
kitchen window. It splashed onto the
teapot in front of Gloria and made a dappled pattern on her white terry cloth
robe. Brad put his teacup down and said, “I met this mathematician once, at UC, who was
a real weirdo. But he was a great guy.
I mean he knew the mathematics I was working on and he was able to
help me in a way that none of the faculty at
Gloria said, “I’ve known some mathematicians who are virtually on the edge of autism or obsessive-compulsive psychosis. They contribute a great deal to society in spite of their illness. Or I should say, perhaps, because of it. It seems to me that it is a perfect way for them to socialize themselves and contribute to society. He may have been a weirdo, as you put it, but if he contributes to society, it’s a good thing.”
“I don’t dispute that. But when you notice that he lives out of one suitcase, that he has no home of his own, and that he calls children epsilons and God the Supreme Fascist, you start to wonder.”
“Aren’t there some decent people in the math department?”
“Sure. There are definitely some. But the best seem to be driven by a Faustian bargain with their brains. It’s a kind of concentration of all life into a tiny arena of manipulating symbols for power and glory. Most of them are supreme egoists and if you get near their mathematical territories they get viciously competitive.”
Gloria asked, in her best psychotherapist tone, “What is it about mathematics that you like Brad?”
“That’s a very good question. I explain it to people this way. If you’ve ever liked chess or bridge or any kind of game of skill, that’s just about what it feels like. It’s even a little like a sport. You continue to master a skill until you get better than you ever thought possible. And there is a great pleasure in being able to live among mathematical forms, to climb from one theorem to another until you reach a great plateau of insight, a place where the human mind has never been before and which might be a way to real scientific progress. You are aware that if you had not reached that insight, it might not be discovered again for centuries and that technological progress could be retarded that long.” She smiled an indulgent and yet incredulous smile. He said, “Well, I’m probably exaggerating, but there is truth to it. I mean you just have to look at the mathematical ideas that were used by Einstein, for example. They were discovered a generation or two before him by Bernard Riemann. If they hadn’t been there for Einstein to use, Relativity Theory would have been impossible. My grandfather and I came tantalizingly close to proving the Riemann hypothesis. (No, it’s not related to Relativity Theory at all but it’s very important!) It turned out that we made a mistake but we proved some theorems that bring the world of Number Theorists very close to proving it. It’s a wonderful feeling to know that you are skilled enough and lucky enough to have stumbled on something like that. I was awarded the Fields medal almost immediately. There was no competition whatsoever. The theorem has consequences all over mathematics and even in physics.”
“But you are paralyzed mathematically. Why?”
“I’m not paralyzed. I just can’t find any motivation. Mathematics was a unique game that my grandfather and I played together. It was the basis for our love of each other. It’s complicated. I told you about my mother. It isn’t really her fault. She’s just the way she is. But Grandfather was different. He is my father’s father and they were close before my father died. So I became his son. And I think we were almost like brothers in the end.”
Gloria said, “And you haven’t been able to find anyone who could take his place, to fill the void?”
“No. Once I found a philosophy professor and he too died, within a few months after we became close. He was truly like my grandfather but he wasn’t a mathematician.”
“So you really are at sea. I assume you’ve decided that you don’t want to be a professor of mathematics.”
“Well,
I wouldn’t exactly say that. But when
they find out who I am, I mean that I won the Fields medal and I proved a
couple of famous theorems, they either become embarrassingly obsequious or
else they look at me as if I’m a fraud and then they become obnoxiously competitive. In the mathematics departments, I find very
little real love of mathematics for itself, as an end in itself and a pleasure. There are some good places, however. I was invited to study at the Institute for
Advanced Study at
She said, “Universities are like that. The professors often have huge egos and are very immature. It’s partly the result of being surrounded with young people who naturally look up to authority, and also it’s from having so much power over them.”
Brad
said, “I have a cousin who sold real estate for three
years and made a bundle. Then he became
a builder and made millions. Now he’s
a big shot in LA. He’s makes a lot
of money and has a great life. He has
a huge mansion in
Gloria said, “You don’t seem to be the type to be a man of the world. I mean, I have no doubt that you could do it, but you’re already an intellectual. You’ve read a tremendous amount and it shows. By the way, your memory is pretty incredible too. It sounds as if you’ve got half of Shakespeare memorized.”
“Graham taught me how to memorize things.”
“Graham?”
“That’s my grandfather’s first name. He liked us to call him by his first name. Anyway, it started out with a lot of trickery and magic games and then it became serious and finally it became second nature. He taught me a huge number of mnemonic devices and tricks. I think I have a pretty good natural memory too but I think most of it is learned. I guess I go around repeating things in my head sometimes. I’m always making crazy associations. Some people let their minds wander around a lot and free associate, but I go back to various things that I’ve memorized. I suppose it’s a little goofy.”
“It sounds like you think you owe your grandfather everything. Don’t you think part of your intelligence is just inborn? That it’s just you?”
“I think my athletic ability is inborn because Graham didn’t encourage it at all and neither did my mother but I could play just about any sport better than the other kids without hardly trying. But it’s hard to know how much your mathematical ability is inborn when you’ve been doing it since before you can remember. I honestly don’t remember ever not knowing algebra. He says I was doing it when I was three.”
Gloria observed that at least nine out of ten women would kill to marry Brad. She also observed that he had the ability to seduce the women he wanted and to keep the others at bay. She asked, “There was never a time when you don’t remember your grandfather teaching you, reading to you and doing mathematics with you?”
“From
my earliest memories we did mathematics. I
finished most of
Gloria looked across the breakfast table at him in disbelief. He was certainly a hunk, she thought. She was a little ashamed of herself for wanting to seduce him even though it was clear that he was playing with her and clear that he was too confident. She was slightly irritated with him, but as a psychologist, she wanted to understand him. To Brad, she seemed defenseless. Although he told himself he would not go to bed with her, no matter what she said or did, he liked her and he thought she might be able to help him and so he used the only method he knew to make women like him: he pretended to be available. He thought of Paul Erdos again. He said, “Erdos was really nuts but I loved him anyway.”
“Erdish?”
“Erdosh. Something like that. The guy I was telling you about. The Hungarian mathematician who called children epsilons. He was the only mathematician who seemed to be able to get into my space and live with me there, the way gramps used to do, without any ego.”
“But you say he was nuts.”
“Totally. If he wasn’t a world famous mathematician, they would lock him up.”
She said, sagely, “It makes all the difference.”
“I feel guilty for talking about him this way. He’s such a gentle, loving man. But I couldn’t... I mean I know there’s no danger I would ever be like that, I mean go to that extreme, but even so, I don’t think there is any way I can ever recapture the life I had as a child. It was something my grandfather created and it died with him. I think, in that sense at least, he really did discover the theorems and they should give him the Fields medal posthumously. I am his creation and that part of me died with him. Without him there would have been no theorems.”
“Why can’t you just get the Ph.D. and then move on? Why throw away that part of your life completely?”
“That’s what everyone asks me. Of course, I thought I would get a Ph.D. naturally, without any effort. But I’m already 25 and I haven’t done it. I don’t know why. But I do know it will require some effort. I mean if I want to do it right. Anyway, it isn’t really about that.”
“I can’t believe you can’t get a job teaching somewhere just on the reputation of the Fields medal.”
“I’ve been offered a several teaching positions already. There are some really creative, interesting people in mathematics who don’t really give a damn about degrees and all that. But the point is, I haven’t done anything for five years. Sure, there are a lot of small colleges that would hire me just to have a Fields medal winner on their faculty. But if I do it right, I’ll have to immerse myself in mathematics again, for a year or two and maybe even three.” He fixed Gloria with his hazel eyes. “I need a woman first so that I can have the kind of stability I will need.” Gloria looked away, self consciously and with guilt for wanting to seduce him. He had looked into her eyes with false encouragement. However, he didn’t want a sexual adventure: he wanted her professional stamp of disapproval. He wanted her to confirm his belief that being a mathematician was not a socially acceptable life style and that no decent, happy woman would choose to marry a man who took mathematics seriously. He said, “I’ve found a lot of candidates. But there’s no one like you. If you were 20 years younger.” He felt self-conscious and ridiculous, lying to her so transparently. He knew that she was too radical for him, that he could never marry a woman like her even if she were twenty years younger. That much was clear to him.
She colored slightly. “I’m not the marrying kind anyway.”
During most of that month, he had decided that he would never find a wife and that he would never understand women. “Why aren’t you the marrying kind? I thought all women were.”
“Men always think like that.”
“Touché.”
Gloria said, “My parents were very radical people. They were communists, vegetarians, nudists... you name it.”
“I thought I was the only one with a weird family.”
“Try being a therapist for awhile. Believe me, everyone has a weird family. It’s just a matter of how weird.” She smiled an ironic smile.
“Dr. Orenstein wanted me to be an analyst. Thanks but no thanks.”
They had already talked about Dr. Orenstein and Brad had agreed to introduce her to him.
She continued, “They never married. I learned when I was barely an adolescent that my father was a homosexual. And my mother had many affairs. I don’t know if she had affairs with women but I suspect she must have done that too. She was completely uninhibited. Heterosexual but also into free love. I was experimenting with sex when I was a child.”
“So you were not calculated to have a normal view of marriage.”
“Not hardly. I had regrets after Bob was born but it was too late. I don’t have regrets anymore. I’m probably more of a revolutionary now than I was at 25.”
Brad said, “Strangely enough, I feel sort of normal. I mean even though I have had an odd upbringing, very much different from most people, I feel like a normal guy. I don’t know why. I can’t even convince myself that I am really all that much smarter than most people. My grandfather said I started talking when I was only seven months old. I don’t know. But I don’t feel different from normal people. They just seem undisciplined and uninterested in intellectual things. They don’t remember anything because they don’t know how to remember things or a least don’t want to remember anything. I see a little bit of genius in almost everyone. In fact, there are two women that I know right now, who are brilliant. One is getting married to an idiot. She has admitted to being in love with me but she won’t back out of the marriage. She is a natural. I can’t convince her of it. She thinks I’m crazy. But I play with people’s minds sometimes and I’ve learned to ferret out things. I know she could be a world class mathematician but she pretends to hate mathematics. It’s really frustrating.”
“What about the other one.”
“Oh, Raney. She’s Jewish and very beautiful. Don’t take this the wrong way, but I think Raney’s in love with me too. If that makes sense. I mean she is totally confused. I haven’t seen her for almost a month but we had a short, weeklong fling, which was enough to figure her out. Raney’s brilliant too. She’s never exercised her memory either, or at least she’s never done anything with it, but she has an extraordinary memory anyway. She got an A in high school calculus and never studied at all. Just listened in class. I believe her. She knows trigonometry perfectly. I threw a geometry problem at her called the Steiner-Lehman theorem and she made a heroic, extraordinarily clever effort to solve it. I gave her two hints on the way and she discovered a Euclidean proof. I was blown away. She thinks I’m crazy too. She said she hates mathematics! I felt like strangling her.”
“What happened to her?”
“I
don’t know. She said she would call
me and I haven’t heard from her. I’ve
heard through the grapevine that she’s dumped her long standing Jewish boyfriend,
a boyfriend that she’s had since high school, and he’s gone back to
“You’ve got problems Brad. Do you really want your wife to be a mathematician? And don’t you think you may be exaggerating these two women’s talents?”
“Gloria, I don’t mean to be insulting, but of course I’ve considered the possibility. But as I said, I don’t really think I’m more talented than either one of them and I guess I can’t face living the life of a mathematician without a talented woman at my side. I mean a normal, attractive and talented woman. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t want to marry a mathematician. That’s not the point.”
Gloria took a deep breath. She smiled and reached across the table and tapped Brad’s forehead with the back of her hand. “Haven’t you heard of Greek tragedy?”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, it seems to me that you are suffering from the illusion of pride, or the illusion that you can control your destiny. Oedipus tried to do that. Why do you think you can avoid his fate?”
Brad was silent.
She said, “I would say, stop agonizing over it. Let things happen. Let your destiny unfold itself. You can’t really control it.”
“It’s easy for you to say that but I feel like I have a lot of important conscious choices to make right now. Choices that will affect my life forever.”
Gloria sighed. “I suppose you’re in good hands with Dr. Orenstein.”
“He wants me to marry his niece.”
She laughed. “Why don’t you?”
He smiled ironically, “Well, for one thing, I know she could care less about mathematics or intellectual things in general.”
Gloria
said, “My only mathematical talent was getting a B
in advanced algebra in high school and getting C’s in my statistics classes
at
He smiled. “Sometimes I think I should marry Joyce but something always seems to be missing. I don’t know what it is. She’s beautiful, intelligent and rich. She’s a lot of fun and we like each other.”
“But you don’t love her.”
“That’s not it really. I don’t really know what love is at that level. I love her and I know I would love her more if we married. I have a complicated past, as you know. I told you about Jane, in high school, and Jeanette before her. It isn’t that I don’t love Joyce. It’s not a romantic thing like that. It’s just that Joyce doesn’t share my passions. I’m afraid there would always be something left over. I need something that she isn’t even aware of and maybe I’m not aware of either, I don’t know. And I’d probably have to work in her father’s business and even take it over from him. He owns a very large tire company. He’s very, very rich and Joyce is his sole heir. He’s 63 but he’s very healthy. He’ll probably work there for at least 10 years but I know he thinks I could take over the company by then. But it gives me the willies to think about it. Dr. Orenstein doesn’t think it would be necessary even to work in the company but I don’t know.”
Gloria said, “So you’ve got problems that most people would kill to have. Do you have any friends.”
“What do you mean? Friends? Why do you ask?”
“Friends are important.”
“My brother is my best friend. I’m lucky to have him. But like I told you, I’ve been involved mostly with women, for most of my life. I had friends on the football teams and the basketball teams but they weren’t very close. They’ve all fallen away. I see them every now and then but they aren’t close.”
“How about the guys in the commune. Do you relate to them well?”
“I relate to men well. That’s no problem. I guess because I played on so many teams in school. It’s no problem. But like I said, I’ve spent most of my time with women and women aren’t friends. They’re lovers but not friends.”
“But if you don’t have any men friends, that might be a problem.”
“I have my brother. Anyway, I suppose I’ve still got friends from Piedmont high school. I do see them sometimes. The guys I played football and basketball with.”
Gloria smiled playfully, “You’re a complicated guy Brad. I don’t see much hope for you.”
He said, “What should I do about Raney?”
“Leave her alone. Definitely. Let her call you. If she doesn’t, forget her.”
“That’s easy to say.”
“She’s not what you think she is. Yes, she sounds very smart and she’s charming. But you know nothing about her. Zilch. What was it, one week you spent together?”
He smiled a crooked, self-conscious smile. He said, “I just think it’s odd that two women come into my life at almost the same time and they are both really talented in mathematics and neither one knows it. They are both very pretty and it feels like they both love me but neither one wants me. It’s absurd. I don’t usually meet women like that. I never meet women like that.”
“If they don’t want you, then you don’t want them. Isn’t that your philosophy? Anyway, I would be willing to bet my own good money that if Raney found out how much money you’ve got she would call you tomorrow.”
He laughed, “I didn’t know you were that cynical.” Brad had told Gloria that he had about half as much money as he actually had. She knew that the Fields medal came with a monetary prize but she didn’t know it was such a small amount.
She
added, “You know I’m telling the truth, don’t you?”
“Maybe. But you aren’t exactly cheering me up.”
“That’s not my job. It’s pretty sad for me too. I think I understand Raney. Remember that I’ve been a practicing therapist for twenty years. Chasing her would be an exercise in futility. I think you know that.”
“I suppose that’s why I haven’t called her. She’s having a birthday party in a few weeks though and I’m sure she’ll invite me along with everyone else.”
“Don’t go.”
He laughed. “You psychotherapists are so intelligent. If you could only follow your own advice.”
Gloria said, “One more thing.”
“What’s that?”
“Why on earth are you working at the airport as a baggage man?”
“Not you too. OK. It’s Derrin. I promised him I would do it. I don’t know why. I’m only going to work there for about a month. It’s no big deal. If I can’t stand it I’ll quit.”
He reached across and took Gloria’s hand. He said, “Bob’s out riding around on that stolen Harley. What’s that all about?”
“Let’s not talk about Bob.”
He dropped her hand and got up. He made an excuse that he had a dentist appointment. She pretended that she believed him and they walked to the front door together. As they were standing at the open door she said, “I think you’re wasting your time in that commune. It sounds like you don’t really like any of them and they don’t like you either. What in the hell are you doing there anyway?”
“Well,
I suppose it was a mistake. Working
at the airport is probably a mistake. Not
finishing my Ph.D. at
She laughed. “One therapist is enough. If the famous Dr. Orenstein can’t help you I’m sure I can’t.”
He
said, “Maybe I can help you. Your son seems a little neurotic. I mean stealing motorcycles and refusing to
go to college. How old is he? 19? What
about the
“He’s 4F.”
“He’s as strong as an ox. 4F?”
“He’s mentally unfit.”
“You pulled some strings.”
Gloria looked up at him. She smiled. Brad waved jauntily, turned and walked down the stairs to his red Volkswagen which was parked a few cars down the street from her house.