Chapter 13
Derrin
and Cheryl were sitting at the far end of the twenty foot long oak table. A large painting hovered over them, menacingly.
It was an ugly, over-painted oil painting of a sunflower.
No one knew where it came from and yet no one had the aesthetic authority
to take it down. The two of them were
alone in the big house. Jasmine was
attending class at the
Cheryl was surprised “I don’t think Brad wants to get married.”
Derrin was always serious when he was doing the books and he thought her remark was simply calculated to make him smile. He said, “I don’t believe that.”
“Well. I mean he refuses the concept of marriage itself. He thinks marriage is a primitive form of eugenics where families form alliances and women marry without regard for their feelings for men. He said he doesn’t want the state to be involved, and certainly not religion. He said he would live with a woman monogamously but it would be something between them and not the state or the church.”
Derrin laughed his familiar high-pitched titter. “Good. So he is an anarchist.”
“I think he is just rebelling against his mother, the Fundamentalist evangelist.”
“You can blame his mother if you want but I think it’s his own decision. It has nothing to do with her.”
Cheryl said, and her voice was full and sharp, “You don’t believe in marriage either. You want to live with many women for the rest of your life.” She was surprised at the strength of her feelings and the sharpness in her voice. She brushed her hair back from her forehead.
He
said, somewhat defensively, “Brad and
I are completely different. His idea
of a commune is that it is a place where philosophers and free spirits can
live apart from corporate
She asked, aggressively, “And how are you different from Brad?”
“I want to organize a commune. I’m a political animal. Don’t forget, I majored in history in college.” He gazed steadily into her eyes. He pointed his corn cob pipe at her for emphasis. “I want to set up hundreds of communes across the country. I’m not monogamous and I’m not a homophobe. I’m not a philosopher either.”
He had been impotent after the first night, even though they had shared his bed for several weeks. Cheryl said, “Brad is a mathematician. Since when is he a philosopher?”
It was Derrin’s turn to be sharp, “I admit he discovered an important group of theorems that I don’t really understand but he hasn’t done anything even approaching it since. He told me himself.” He added with emphasis, “He WAS a mathematician.”
She said, “He is much more selective about women than he lets on. I’m sure he’s capable of falling into bed with a woman and then pretending that he’s discovered she isn’t right for him, after a few months. But I think his real problem is that he doesn’t know what he wants. He thinks he wants Raney, for example, which is obviously ridiculous.”
Derrin said, “Everyone wants Raney.”
“Nonsense. Raney pretends to be a free spirit but why has she been with Leonard since they graduated from high school? She’s just curious. She wants to get some experience. They’re two insecure New York Jews. He’s waiting patiently. She’s basically a Jew. I can’t think of a more ridiculous wife for Brad.”
“You sound like an anti-Semite.”
“I’m not. She told me that she’s only been to bed with three other men besides Leonard and she actually said they were all Jews. She sounded proud of it. No, I guess I wouldn’t be surprised if her stupid boy friend, what’s his name, Lenny?, hangs around like a wounded dog for a few years and she ends up marrying him. I’m surprised she went to bed with Brad the super Goyem.”
“Cheryl!” He lit his corn cob pipe again and puffed at in for awhile in silence. Finally he said, in a quiet, controlled voice, “I’m really surprised at your attitude. Please don’t rag on Raney. She’s really quite extraordinary. And she’s not really that Jewish. Believe me, I’ve known for almost two years. She has been on the verge of going with me around the country for six months to visit communes around the country and get to know the people in them. She has even promised to help me write my book on communes.”
Cheryl felt the sting of jealousy and rejection. She vented her anger on Brad. Her voice was high pitched and shrill, “I think he is an idiot.”
“Cheryl, that’s not like you.” Derrin knew that Cheryl had fallen in love with Brad and that she wouldn’t admit it and pretended to hate him. “We were talking about Raney, not Brad.”
“Well, if you ask me, I think Raney wants to experiment with Lesbianism also.”
“How could you possibly know a thing like that?”
She wondered how Derrin could be so stupid. “Conversations with her. Intuition.” Cheryl thought of Raney as a poisonous, self-centered bitch who just wanted some experience before settling down to a safe, middle class Jewish life. She hated Brad for not being able to see it. Jasmine had filled her with anti-Semitic rancor and they had great fun talking about Raney and her latest boyfriend, the rich Jew, Philip Levy.
Derrin said, “Do you know what her boyfriend does in his spare time?”
“Lenny? He just sits on his hands and waits for her to finish playing around.”
“I’m talking about Philip Levy.”
“The rich Jew with the $5,000 a month allowance.”
“Well, he’s studying philosophy and he writes in his spare time.”
“Yes, and he also collects trivia: Black Panther newspapers, Berkeley Barb newspapers, license plates, coins, LP’s, books, rock and roll posters, anything he thinks might be worth something in the future. He even collects baseball cards.”
“Nonsense.”
“I’m telling the truth. He spends his Saturdays at flea market sales. He even asked me if he could take a look in the attic.” She nodded to the ceiling. “He rents a huge flat for all of his stuff. He thinks it will have value some day. He’s a typical Jew. He is so rich he doesn’t have to work but all he can think about is getting richer. And he pretends to be a political radical and even and atheist but he’s a dual citizen of America and Israel and he takes Hebrew classes.…”
“Stop this, Cheryl. I wont have it. It doesn’t sound like you at all. It must be the influence of Jasmine.”
Cheryl was silent for a moment. “Well, I agree with her. She can’t stand Jews who are Jews first and Americans second.”
Derrin said, “I wish we had never let Jasmine move in. I should never have listened to Brad.”
Cheryl stared at him in disbelief. She wanted to tell him that he was lying, that Brad had nothing to do with Jasmine moving into the commune, that Derrin alone had approved of Jasmine without consulting either of them. She and Brad had simply rubber stamped his decision. She didn’t feel like she had the moral authority to criticize him however because, in fact, she wouldn’t have rejected Jasmine even if Derrin had really wanted her opinion.
Derrin said, “Brad is already unhappy with the commune. He promised to stay for a few months to help get us off the ground financially, but he’s going to leave.”
“Did he tell you that?” Cheryl already suspected that Derrin didn’t want Brad in the commune and that he tolerated him because he paid a large deposit and rent.
“No but our discussions have come to several dead ends. Basically, he thinks most people who are interested in communal living are just out for a free piece of ass or free rent. I can’t convince him.”
She was silent.
He said, “He’s agreed to work at the airport with me for about a month to help pay the rent.”
“When is he going to start?”
“Probably in a few weeks. As soon as things start picking up. A week or two before Thanksgiving.”
Cheryl ran her fingers through her shoulder length, dark hair. “He’s hard to figure out. Did you know that he has a girl friend over at the college of Marin?”
“A girlfriend?”
“I was out walking one night and I saw him talking with her. She’s very pretty. He sees her a couple of times a week. The Country and Western singer, Anne is after him too. Haven’t you noticed?”
“Cheryl! It’s all in your imagination. Anne is very level headed. She’s been married. She has a daughter.”
“I don’t care. Women know things like that. Beatrice wanted him too. She told me what happened.”
He raised his eyebrows and looked up from the accounting book. His eyes were questioning but he didn’t say anything.
Cheryl said, “Beatrice made me promise not to tell anyone about it.”
He closed the book. “Brad is very attractive to women. That’s obvious.”
She said, “But he’ll never marry.”
“He doesn’t want marriage.”
Cheryl said, dramatically, “I mean he’ll never find a woman who’ll follow him down his idealistic path.”
“I wouldn’t be so sure.”
“If he wasn’t so stupid, he could have had Raney too.”
Derrin’s vanity was touched, “What?” Derrin pretended to himself that he was in love with Raney. He had been pursuing her unsuccessfully for two years. “What are you talking about?”
“They saw each other for about a week.” Cheryl watched him closely. He tried to pretend that he was indifferent. “I talked to her afterwards.” Derrin pretended to look at the numbers in his account book. His face became flushed. “She told me she wondered why he didn’t ask her to move in with him.”
“I’m sure he did ask her to move in and she refused.” His face was red and there was a forced smile on his lips.
“She said he didn’t call her.”
Derrin said, “Brad told me that she wanted distance. That she needed time to think.”
“That’s what women say when they want men to make a commitment. She has a lot of men chasing her.” Small beads of sweat had formed on Derrin’s forehead and he looked very uncomfortable. He didn’t understand women. She knew that she couldn’t tell him that she herself had spent a night with Raney also. It would hurt him too much. She said, “Has Brad told you about his past?”
“Not too much. We’ve talked about it some. He was a football player and mathematician. He said he had a football scholarship to Stanford and he turned it down.”
Brad hadn’t revealed much of his past to Cheryl but he had told her enough to make her understand that he was very experienced with women. She decided not to share the little she knew.
She said, “I think the fact that his mother is Rhonda Bradford the evangelist is very important.”
“Certainly.”
Cheryl said, “Brad isn’t that hard to understand after all. He worries me. Sometimes I think he’s a nice guy behind all his defenses.”
“Cheryl, people have to find their own way. He’ll find himself.”
“But he has one problem that he might never overcome.”
“What’s that?”
“He has beauty and intelligence and they create enemies wherever he goes. But he is guileless. I mean it would be to his advantage to be paranoid and imagine that people are out to get him. But he doesn’t suspect people.”
“Paranoia would doom him for sure.”
She said, “He needs a woman to protect him.”
“That’s such a typical thing for a woman to say. I suppose you think you are the one who could save him.”
“I’m
not strong enough for him. Anyway,
he thinks he doesn’t love me.”
“Thinks?”
“I’m an orphan.” There was a catch in her voice. She recovered her composure quickly. She said, in a very cold voice, “My mother committed suicide when I was twelve.” She was silent again. She had told him before.
Derrin said, “Brad’s mother committed mental suicide, before he was born.”
“We all know she’s weird. But she has a million followers.”
“Sometimes the weirder they are the more followers they have. Look at Hitler.”
“I might be good for him but I am too selfish. I need to experiment with life more, anyway. I don’t want to dedicate myself to anyone. Why should I?”
“No reason. My father says that experience taught him that a simple life with a good marriage and family brings the most happiness. He said when he was about fifty he suddenly understood why the Catholic Church considers marriage indissoluble in principle. Can you believe that? You met him. He’s been married three times and is living with a woman who is 24 years younger than he is. He doesn’t even believe in marriage and he talks to me like that. God.”
“Marriage has always seemed to me like a sacrifice that women make for men. I don’t want to sacrifice myself for Brad.”
“You’re serious aren’t you?”
“I guess I have a motherly, protective feeling for him. He doesn’t want me anyway. It’s obvious. We’re too much alike.”
“Alike?”
“I mean we’re both orphans.”
Derrin said, “He told me that he was very close to his grandfather. That his grandfather was like a father to him.”
She was silent.
He asked, “Does Brad have any weaknesses?”
“Yes. I think so.”
“What are they?”
She laughed. “Well, for one thing, he thinks he has literary talent. I’ve read his stuff. He has a talent for dialog, but his characters are wooden and unbelievable. They are hard to tell apart. They all seem the same. His prose is flat. I don’t know. Maybe it’s just me.”
“Did you tell him?”
“No. Not exactly. But I wasn’t too enthusiastic.”
“He’s got some pretty heavy books up there. Kierkegaard, Nietzsche. The Nichomachean Ethics. Henry Miller.”
“He is really something else, but I don’t want to sacrifice myself for him.”
“You would be perfect for him. You would stand by him. I know you. But he’s too stupid to see it. He doesn’t want you. Get over it and get on with your life.”
She picked up her guitar. Derrin said, “What about the Country and Western singer, Anne? She’s got the hots for him doesn’t she?”
“She hasn’t got a chance.”
“Why not?”
She said with a smile, “I couldn’t begin to tell you. I don’t even know. For one thing, her brother is ...”
“Walt?”
“Yeah, his name is Walt. He watches over her like a hawk.”
Derrin said, “He’d better watch out for Brad. Brad is like a panther, silent and quiet but deadly. If Walt isn’t careful, he’ll end up on his back, with his feet in the air. Maybe you’d better warn him.”
She said, “No. Brad’s not like that. He’s capable of it, but he’ll avoid violence at all costs. I know some things about him that you don’t know.” She was thinking of the pearl handle, silver plated..25 caliber loaded pistol that he carried around with him.
Derrin said, almost sharply, “Anne is more than a Country and Western singer. She’s an intelligent and attractive woman. She’s got her eye on Brad. That isn’t too hard to see.”
She said, “I’d be very surprised if anything happened between them. I don’t know why. Maybe I don’t know anything. I just feel it, that’s all.”
Derrin said, “I guess I know what you mean about Brad. He’s arrogant and at the same time, stupid about what’s best for him. After awhile, you just laugh at him. You know he’s going to fall on his face, sooner or later. In fact, it looks like he’s falling on his face almost every day. But then you start to feel sorry for him. I mean he is obviously a kind of Don Quixote. But who am I to talk? Who are any of us to talk. Don’t we all have too much idealism? Aren’t we all just a bunch of self-seeking bastards?”
She was surprised at his sudden candor and she never forgot it. She said, “But who wants to travel with him on his route to destruction? I mean he doesn’t have any money and he’s left his successful past in the lurch. He had a great athletic career in front of him and he threw it away. He could have been a famous mathematician and he threw that away too. Now he’s agreed to work at the airport just to pay the rent for us. Why? I would never do that. You wouldn’t do it either Derrin.”
“I don’t think he’s completely broke.”
“He acts like it.”
“I didn’t say I understood him.” Derrin had imagined that it was his persuasive powers that convinced Brad to join the commune and to work at the airport. He knew that Brad need the money. He felt sorry for Cheryl. It was clear to him that she didn’t understand anything about Brad either. He said, “There was something funny the other night. Something you ought to know about.”
“Something funny?”
“I heard a thumping upstairs. From Brad’s room. A really loud noise. So I went up to see what was going on.”
“What was it?”
“It was Brad jumping up and down on a paperback book.”
“What?” She smiled, incredulously.
“I asked him what he was doing and he looked embarrassed. He said it was nothing. I wouldn’t let him slide out of it. Finally, he admitted what he was doing. He said that he got to the last page of Madame Bovary, a 19th century French novel, and he said he was so angry at the outcome that he refused to read the last page. He was so pissed off that he threw the novel on the floor and jumped up and down on it.”
She raised her hand to her mouth to hide a giggle. She said, “Well, at least he knows what he likes and what he doesn’t like.”
“I just thought you ought to know that about him. Maybe it will help you to understand him.